Love lights the world...

You've probably already seen this, but if you haven't click below:






and then this one:






Great job, Honey Maid. Now I've got a lot of the same critiques of the first commercial as I did of the Cheerios commercial. Like, how much do you want to bet they had those paper rolling artists on standby, long before either of these went up? If you never read my Cheerios critique, click here.

But there are two things that Honey Maid did in the second commercial that Cheerios didn't. First, they gave a ratio of positive to negative comments. It is so easy to read the comment sections of blogs and think that the world is just filled with bloodthirsty, racist, homophobes. But the reality is, said comments are more likely to be written by a socially maladjusted 13-year-old than a federal judge. Not saying there aren't racist federal judges, just saying they don't spend their time writing youtube comments.

Second, and most importantly Honey Maid just basically gave a big F-you to the people that didn't agree with their point. Yes, they wrapped it in a nice little message about love and upcycling, but they doubled down on the TWO GAY DUDES CAN RAISE A BABY!! idea. Lots of people have a problem with that. However, instead of being a company that tries to be all things to all people in order to make as much money as humanly possible, Honey Maid is taking a stand.

Now, don't get me wrong--I don't have a problem with companies who want to stay out of everything because the only color they care about is green. That's called capitalism. I also don't have a problem with companies that take a stand even if it's something I don't personally agree with (See: Hobby Lobby).

What I do have a problem with is wishy washy corporations like A&E who suspend someone for a weekend until they do the calculations of all the money they're gonna lose if the whole Duck Dynasty family walks off the show, and then come up with some wack excuse about why they didn't cancel the show. See previous paragraph, if A&E had just kept their mouths shut, I could understand that. But I feel like what they did was the worst possible outcome, because it showed them to be lacking convictions while trying to appear as if they had some. Don't suspend the guy for a weekend, that's just offensive.

Got sidetracked for a bit there, forgive me.

So HoneyMaid is basically saying, You gotta problem with this?! Don't buy our cookies then!

I respect that, more than I respect the original commercial. The original commercial can be written off as a trend in multicultural advertising. The second one cannot. They burned some bridges with the follow up commercial and took a real risk.

Those of us who appreciate that should let them know by buying their products, and letting them know that we're buying (more of) their products because of this campaign.

Finally, I want to see a white family in a trailer park pitching me a product. Or anyone broke in general.* Because the whole point in advertising is to create a need. They make you think you can be like the people in the ad if you buy the product. Most of the time, the people in the ad are attractive and/or rich. In the HoneyMaid ad, they're saying buying their cookies will make you feel love. This is not true, and all savvy consumers should know that. But I want HoneyMaid (or some other corporation,) to show me that I might want to be like a white family in a trailer park, because they're happy and love each other. Show me that people that don't have a lot of money still have value and deserve to be put forth as some ideal on a tv screen. Because even more than race or sex or gender, the idea that you have to be of a certain economic class to be admired is an extremely pervasive idea in our culture.

*I know everyone that lives in a trailer park is not necessarily white nor broke. I'm just trying to make a point. If you were offended, let me know and we can talk about it.

Do you have any thoughts? If so, leave me a comment.


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Five things every freedom fighter should know.

Yesterday, I started a post about the whole Chick-Fil-A sitchination. However, I quickly realized that I had so many thoughts in my head, that even my beloved bullet points wouldn't help me get them organized.

Then, the idea for this post came to me. Immediately, it was already appearing to flow better while it was still in my brain. So, I'm gonna go with the brain flow.

Let me first talk about the term freedom fighter. I like the alliteration, but I don't necessarily like the imagery. Freedom fighter brings to mind bandanas around the bottom half of the face and molotov cocktails. I'm not really a fan of either of those things for myself. The term freedom seeker would work, but then we lose the fuh fuh. So we'll just stick with the original.

Now the question becomes, freedom from/to what?

Well, when I think of freedom, I think primarily of freedom from the shackles in our minds that are holding us back. All the messages that we get about what we are, what we aren't, what we can be, and what we can't be. As Oprah would say, the things that are keeping us from being our best selves.

It's like, the more I read about and think about, and do things related to issues of race and inequality, the more I realize that it really does all start in our minds. So these tips are for anyone who is also interested in moving beyond racism and all the other -isms, and creating positive change in the world.

#1) be honest with yourself and others.

I will be the first to admit that I struggle with and perpetuate racism, sexism, homophobia, ableism, heightism, lookism, sizeism, classism, speciesism, ageism, xenophobia, transphobia, and any other -ism or -phobia that I forgot about, or have yet to hear about. If the premise is that I make snap judgments about people (and animals) and treat them better or worse as a result--then the answer is Yep, that's true.

The reason that it is important for me to admit this is because the less time that I waste trying to claim that I don't hold these biased attitudes, the more time I can spend examining said attitudes, and doing things to help lessen the frequency of the thoughts that come from the attitudes, which will eventually lead to decreased frequency of biased actions.

myblackfriend, did you just say you were a homophobe? I thought you liked gay people!

I do like gay people (at least most of the ones I've met so far.) And, you'll notice I didn't say I was a homophobe, I said I perpetuate homophobia through my thoughts and behaviors. When we apply labels like homophobe or racist, it's like we are trying to sum up a person's entire identity in one very hate-charged word. No one can be defined so completely so succinctly.

And because those words (and all the other words in the list above,) are things that very few people want associated with them, people will spend a lot of time defending themselves against such labels, instead of just being open to learning how to do things differently. But if we make a much more specific statement, we can accept it as true and move on. I am not completely defined by those thoughts and behaviors, they are just one aspect of my personality. This leads nicely to point my next point...

#2) No one is perfect, including you. And that's ok.

There used to be a thing going around on Facebook: 25 random things about me. Remember that? Boy that was fun. If any of my facebook friends wants to start that up again, that'd be cool; I really liked learning new things about you.

Anyhoo, one of the random facts I wrote when I did it was,

I believe there are two kinds of people in this world: good people, and good people who are covered up with varying layers of bad.

I believed that at the time, but now I would change it to this:

I believe there is one kind of people in this world: good people covered up by varying layers of bad.

No one is perfect. There was one Guy that was supposedly perfect, and his name was Jesus. But a lot of people don't even believe in Him. And even if you do, he wasn't just a Guy, he was the son of God. You're not a Guy, you're just a guy (or gal.) So remember that the next time you screw up and say something racist, or have a snarky thought about an overweight person. It happens. Why? Because you're not Jesus.

The decision then becomes: What are you gonna do about it? You can hold yourself up to some unrealistic expectation that you clearly haven't met and then waste time rationalizing and minimizing to hold onto a false view of yourself, or you can say, "I screwed up and next time, I will do better. Because it is important to me to do better." Then keep it movin'.

#3) Help the biases that you have about other people help you to understand the biases that other people have about you.

Since you've already accepted your biases (see #1,) you can now start to really examine them, which is kind of exciting.

Where did these biases come from?
When did they start?
What's going on with me right before I think/do something that perpetuates an -ism? How do I feel as I'm doing it? Afterwards?

I'll answer the first question to help illustrate my point.

This is the first instance that I can remember of being exposed to gay people in a movie:

Biloxi Blues. It's a movie about some guys in the military. There is a scene where the the main character goes into the latrine and comes across two guys doing something--it all happens very fast, so the viewer is not sure what exactly. But they are discovered, and one of the guys starts to leave quickly through the bathroom window. I was a young kid when this movie came out, so I asked an adult that was with me what happened. The adult told me that the two guys were gay, and that was the end of the conversation. So the connection in my mind was made that gay= do secret things in the bathroom and run away through the window when someone else comes in. And get kicked out of the military. To my young military brat mind, I knew that you only got kicked out of the military for doing very bad things.

Now for the first time I was exposed to transgendered/cross-dressing character: Silence of the Lambs.

Spoiler Alert: Don't read the rest of this paragraph if you don't want the whole plot of the movie given away. In Silence of the Lambs, the killer is a transgendered person or a cross dresser (I don't believe they clarify which,) who is killing women so he can make a suit out of their skin. So in my mind transgendered = serial killer.


So in my young mind transgendered = good person covered up by lots and lots and lots and lots of layers of bad.


This is at least part of the explanation of where my bias against people who don't fit neatly into the heterosexual box comes from. If I hadn't made the choice to see movies like Transamerica, or Brokeback Mountain, or Pariah--the two examples above would hold a much bigger space in my brain.

Making the conscious decision to see the movies with the more positive messages contribute to me to seeing movies like The Hangover as an adult and say, "Hey that gay slur was not cool, and didn't add much to the plot. What was the point of putting it in there?" It is also worth noting that the blockbuster hit of the Summer of 2009 will give some kid 20 years from now the opportunity to write on his blog, "My first exposure to homophobia on the big screen was when I saw The Hangover..."

So a lot of my bias came when I was a young impressionable child, consuming extremely popular media put out by extremely reputable corporations. So when I see someone who has racist behavior, it is not unreasonable to assume that perhaps that at least part of where their bias towards me comes from similar sources.

Since I am not an evil, vile person, he/she is probably not an evil/vile person either. This is what helps me to have reasonable conversations with people (on this blog and in person,) instead of yelling at them, calling them names, and pulling their hair. This does not lead me well into thing #4.

#4) Stop fighting with other people who are in the struggle.

Please stop comparing your struggle to other struggles, trying to prove why yours is just as/more valid than another one. When I hear "________ is the last socially acceptable prejudice." I have to make the conscious decision not to roll my eyes. (forgive me, but it is true.)

The reality is that they are all still socially acceptable prejudices; that is why they all still exist. It doesn't matter if you were born that way, or choose to be that way, it doesn't matter how you were dressed, it doesn't matter whose ancestors had it worse. Time spent trying to one-up each other or negate certain groups--that is time that could be spent on actually doing the work of making things better.

you can read more on my thoughts on #4 here and here. That leads to a pretty good segue to #5


#5) We are all in the struggle.

Some of us don't even know it, and are actually doing things that make the struggle worse. But as my white friend 5280 tech so eloquently said on this post,

I think a lot of white people have these moments where they wish they were black (I know I have,) so they could not always be seen as the over dog and the cause for other peoples' problems. It seems nice to think about being part of a struggle and taking down the system. If I am being honest with myself I could probably boil these thoughts of struggle down to "I wish I had an excuse for all this shit going on in my life.

I know from secondhand experience that being a straight, white, male (rich or otherwise,) is not easy.

Just because someone else appears to have it worse than me, that doesn't mean that I don't have the right to feel my own pain. At the same time, it doesn't mean that I can't hold myself or others accountable, and it doesn't give the the right to try to inflict pain on others in a misguided and ineffective attempt to try and feel better about myself.


But it does give me the right to say, "This sucks. And it doesn't just suck because of me. Sure, I've screwed up (see #2,) but there are other factors at play also."

We all need to get in touch with our own pain. We need to look at those "other factors" that we didn't control but that have hurt us. Examining our own struggle will help us to move through it. It will help us to see the struggle in others. It will help us to have compassion.It will help us to see the difference between people who know they are in the struggle and those who don't. It will help guide us to what to do next, and figure out what numbers 6 through infinity are on this list.

But most importantly it will help us to Get Free.

As always, I am interested to hear what you think. Do you have #6 (or 7 and 8) to add? If you do, or if you have anything else to share, leave me a comment.

A little known -ism.

I was going to call this post, An -ism you've probably never heard of, but I have mentioned it here.

It is also true that you look at and read other things besides this blog, and so it is possible that you learned about it somewhere else. It's helpful for me to remember that my readers aren't as fascinated with my blog as I am. You're not sitting in front of your computers frantically hitting refresh yelling, "WHEN IS MYBLACKFRIENDSAYS.COM GOING TO PUT UP ANOTHER POST??!!?!"

Well, maybe you are--but you shouldn't be.

Ok, on to the video. It is pretty self-explanatory, so just go ahead and watch it below. And resist the temptation to skip over it and keep reading, because it is a really good video that you should watch. And you know I wouldn't say that if it weren't true.



I originally saw this video on this blog. The first time I saw it, I almost started to cry. I share that with you not to influence your perception of my level of commitment to the cause, but in the hopes that since I shared my reaction, you might be more willing to share yours.


Just a couple more things. One, I think about the fact that if these tweeters were talking about almost any other group of people, there would be outrage. That is not to say that someone couldn't put together a video of a bunch of derogatory tweets about black people or gay people or intellectually disabled people or overweight people. But I think even if you did find a bunch of tweets like that, such a large portion of the tweets would not be related to said targeted group killing themselves or ceasing to exist.

On a related (and probably more important) note, if the average person was following a tweeter who said something racist or homophobic etc. they might be more taken aback/likely to say something than if you saw a tweet talking about how the tweeter doesn't like short guys. It's like, heightism is way more ingrained in our culture. I mean, I have a degree in this stuff and I had never even heard the word heightism before a couple of months ago. When I type it, my computer gives me the red squiggly line under it that tells me it is a word that it doesn't recognize. It doesn't do that when I type racism. Or homophobia.

Which leads me to my final point. The only reason that my computer recognizes the words racism and homophobia is because some people a long time ago that had to deal with racism and homophobia were like, "You know what? This is a bunch of bullmess. I'm tired of this and even more tired of being told that any problems I have to deal with because of this are my problems. These are your problems too, you racist/homophobic dumbass."

[I'm sorry for the salty language, but my people from a long time ago were really mad.]

Similarly, the only reason I heard this word and saw this video is because the guy who runs that blog decided to start a blog to tell people more about heightism. Once again , it all comes back to people taking action to try and help create the world they want to see. It really is that simple (and that hard.)

So, what was your reaction to the video? What do you think about heightism? How have you perpetuated it? Have you ever experienced it yourself? I'd love to hear your answers to these questions or anything else you might like to share in the comments section.

Cry me a river...

I said in my last post that I would explain why/how I went from writing a post about how I understand that it's hard to speak out about -isms to actually speaking out about one.

One thing that I know about myself is that annoyed is a feeling I feel fairly regularly. We could try to analyze the reasons behind this fact, but for now let's just say that lots of different things annoy me.

One thing that really annoys me is when white people tell me stories about how they have recently witnessed something racist happen. Okay, just telling me the story isn't annoying. Telling the story in a "Can you believe that ignoramous said that ?!?" way followed up with the revelation that the white person telling me the story just sat there and didn't say anything. Said white person might classify their reaction as stunned silence.

I want to turn to this person and say, " White person, I can believe that you heard so-and-so say that. You know why?

Because so-and-so has probably gone through his/her whole life saying these racist/racish things, and has had these comments met with laughter or silence. So and so doesn't even know you well enough to know you'd be offended; so obviously this kind of stuff comes out of so-and-so's mouth pretty easily. And everytime so-and-so says one of these comments and isn't called out on it, so-and-so gets the message reinforced that saying those things is ok. "

When I hear a white person tell a story like this, there are two things that bum me out. The first one is hearing the story. It's always sad to be reminded of the fact that racism still exists. The second one is knowing that there was a person who knew that something wrong was happening, but didn't speak up. A person who (since they are not black,) can't have their comments immediately dismissed as being oversensitive/having a chip on his/her shoulder/etc.

So, knowing how much stories like this irritate me when they involve people of color, I knew I couldn't in good conscience come to my blog and write about how I had the opportunity to talk to someone about homophobic remarks and didn't take it.

Now, I am not saying that you must speak out each and every time you hear someone say something disrespectful/hateful/ignorant about a member of some marginalized group. I don't choose to take the time/energy to do that and I can see why you wouldn't either. But hey if you want to...knock yourself out.

But what I don't want is for you to come and talk to me about it, oblivious to the very important role you played in the exchange. If you want to talk to me about it like, "I heard this, and I know I should have said something--but I didn't. What can I do differently next time something like this happens?" I can work with that. Or if you want to just keep your story to yourself as you struggle internally with why you didn't do something--I can work with that too.


Maybe now you're thinking, "myblackfriend, you're not being very compassionate/understanding right now. You weren't this mean to Ken --Why are you being so hard on me? I'm one of the good ones!?!!

I just want to interject and say that I am cracking myself up over here.

It's true...if you are a white person and taking the time to read this blog, you probably have a level of race awareness that most white people in the United States do not have. But I think that it is important to realize that you probably have just enough information to be dangerous--remember John Mayer? It is precisely because you are more up on things than the average white person that I am being less forgiving.

It's like gymnastics: When you are a little two or three-year-old and you take a gymnastics class, everyone cheers and applauds for every little move that you do.

Somersault? Whoo hoo!!
Barely marginal cartwheel? Here's your trophy!

That's kind of what Ken is like. Ken is still learning the "don't post slurs on the internet" lesson of awareness. So any movement past that is to be celebrated.

But you...you're advanced. You're like "Hey I like gymnastics, and I think I'm pretty good at it--I'm going to keep taking lessons." So you hire me, your mean old Romanian coach. And it seems like all I do is criticize you. You even break your ankle twice and have to miss your Prom!

You start to wonder, "Is this really worth it?" But when you start boo-hooing to me about it I say, "You don't like it? Get out of my gym!"

That's just my way of figuring out how badly you want it. I don't really want you to go, because I know you've got potential. But if you don't want to work-- Hey, I'm not going to beg you to stay.

That's pretty much what it's like with this blog. This is my space to say what I think/feel. If it is too much for you, then don't read it. If I start censoring myself here...only bad things will happen. Work around these issues is hard; and it is probably going to be hard for as long as you and I are alive. It is only the people who are willing to do the hard work, to ask themselves the tough questions, and to make the tough decisions that are going be the ones moving us towards positive change. Everyone else will just be sitting on the sidelines.

Comments? Leave them below.

wtf?

A week ago on my twitter page I asked, when is someone going to publish the seminal work that answers the question: is the internet bringing us together, or pushing us apart?

My tweet was spurred by learning about the Rutgers student Tyler Clementi, who committed suicide after his roommate allegedly broadcast Tyler's tryst with another guy over the internet. Like millions of other people, I felt a sense of shock and sadness when I learned about this incident. Tyler was a talented young violinist, and ended his life by jumping off of the George Washington bridge. He also left his suicide note on Facebook.

There are many things that I want to say/questions I want to ask about this situation. I have hesitated in writing this post, because of my fear that I will say the wrong thing. Or that I will offend people that have a more nuanced understanding of the events than I do. But I know that my intentions are pure/good, and hopefully that will count for something.

First, I think the fact that both Tyler's roommate and the woman who was arrested with him are both people of color is significant. It's significant because it helps illuminate the idea that the vast majority of us have some identities that align with the dominant culture. So even if you are brown, if you are heterosexual-- that gives you a set of privileges that a white gay person would not have.

Second, Tyler's roommate seems like a straight up a-hole. I don't know that the internet has a whole lot to do with it. If i-chat didn't exist, he strikes me as the type of guy that would be hiding a video camera in the closet, and then showing the VHS tape to all his friends.

Third, Tyler's roommate tweeted, Roommate asked for the room till midnight. I went into Molly's room and turned on my webcam. I saw him making out with a dude. Yay.'

I added the emphasis on the last word, because to me it has a lot of significance. Obviously, he is being sarcastic--he's not really happy about it. But there is a reason that he said yay instead of "sick!" or "gross!" both of which I think are more in line with what he was actually thinking.

He said 'yay' because as a young, little bit of college educated person, he knew that using one of those other words would have made him seem like a homophobe. And he knows enough to know that being a overt homophobe (like being an overt racist,) is not something that is looked upon kindly, especially in college (most colleges anyway.)

So what does he do? He makes his comments more subtle, feels out his audience, avoids saying anything obviously hateful. This is important because it illustrates how a lot of people respond to doing work around diversity and multiculturalism. They learn that some things are not said in polite company, and so they avoid saying them in polite company. But the idea that their hearts and minds are truly changed...I think we know the answer to that.

Fourth, I really wish that Tyler hadn't of killed himself. Refer to my second point, his roommate is an a-hole. Given that fact, an a-hole taping you is not something you want to kill yourself over. He's the one with the problem, not you.

But then that gets me thinking: What caused Tyler to do this? I don't like what I am hearing that places the blame on Tyler's roommate. It is extremely dangerous to put the blame for one person's suicide on another person. What the roommate did was outrageous, and he certainly deserves to be punished. But casting him as the evil one and trying to find a way to throw him in jail for the rest of his life is not the answer.

Our society as a whole has to take some responsibility for this tragic event taking place. When a seemingly healthy, well-adjusted person gets to the point that they are in such deep despair that they throw themselves off a bridge???

Many "straight allies" are pointing the finger at conservative clergy, and just conservative people in general. I agree that any pastor who takes the time to write a sermon calling gay people unnatural; or a conservative voter who does his or her part to deny gay Americans equal rights--they're not helping.

But I said society as a whole, remember?

What about you?
What about me?

My husband and I have beautiful baby son. Already, people make comments about how he is going to be popular with the ladies when he is older. I think to myself, "How do you know he is going to like girls?" But most of the time I don't say anything, because I don't want to seem...weird.

Or when we meet someone new for the first time and say, "Do you have a _________," filling in the blank with the romantic term of opposite sex of the person we're talking to. Now, we'd be fine with the person saying "Actually, I have a _______ (insert same sex term here)" But...why do we even make the assumption?

Or what about when we still think The Hangover was a hilarious movie, even though the characters frequently used homophobic slurs?

Or when someone we know and like (or love) says something intolerant or bigoted, and we don't speak up? Several people were following those tweets about Tyler--what did they do when they read them?

These things are all part of the problem. All these examples promote the message, "Being gay is not ideal, and treating it as something 'less than' is acceptable to me."

Point the finger at conservatives all you want, but not if one of the major motivations is to make yourself feel better and say, "Well at least, I'm not like them." We are like them, and the sooner we recognize that--the better off we will all be.

My baby son is laying on the floor right now; gooing his little heart out.

For Tyler, for all the other nameless gay teens who have died, for my son, and for myself I want to recommit myself to speaking out.

I will risk my heterosexual privilege and take the chance of seeming weird, or annoying, or unable to take a joke. I will continue to examine my own beliefs and attitudes, so that I can try and rid myself of the homophobia that I have picked up along the way.

I will do this in hopes that if my son tells me one day "Mom, I'm gay." I can say, "ok" and that will be the end of it. I won't have to join a support group, and I won't have to worry that because my son is gay, people are going to think it's okay to make fun of him, or beat him up, or kill him.

So, the internet can be used for evil and the internet can be used for good. More than anything, it's probably used to waste ridiculous amounts of time. Today, I am using my little piece of it to invite you all to take risks. To resist complacency; to think about the ways that you continue to be part of the problem, and the things that you can do to continue to be part of the solution.

As always, I welcome your thoughts.

And all I got was this lousy t-shirt...

I'm going to tell you a little story about my Halloween. I went to a party where the theme was "drag." The most obvious interpretation was that you were supposed to come dressed in drag, but guests were free to be a little more "creative" if they wished. I personally think it was just a way to give guys a way out of dressing up in women's clothing, but whatever...

So most people at the party did come in the clothing more common for the opposite gender. I was an old man--Hawaiian shirt, floppy hat, flip-flops with socks--it was a good look. There was one guy who came as a cigarette. And then there was another guy who came in wearing a t-shirt that said:

"I got dragged in Jasper, TX and all I got was this lousy t-shirt."

His t-shirt had fake blood on it, and I think that was pretty much the whole costume. He saved us the pleasure of seeing him in blackface, but the point of the costume was clear. He was coming as James Byrd Jr., the black man who was dragged to his death by two white men in 1998.

How clever. And funny.

A lot of the people at this party were gay, and I doubt that this dude would have come as Matthew Shepard tied to a post if the theme had been "Wyoming" or something like that.

The whole incident pissed me off for several reasons: 1) The guy thought it would be funny to come as a person that was a victim of a hate crime. I understand that people like to dress up as dead people for Halloween, but I have never heard of a person coming as a murder victim, much less the victim of a hate crime. 2) This guy would not have worn this costume to a party full of black people, so why did he wear it to this party?

I have the answer to my own question: He wore it because he knew that more than likely no one was going to say anything to him about it. I got all kinds of excuses from my white fellow guests about why talking to him was not a good idea: It's a party, everyone's trying to have a good time, he didn't mean anything by it, etc., etc.

There are always a ton of excuses that can be made to try to avoid putting yourself out there for something that doesn't directly affect you. I find as I get older that my patience is wearing thin for people who like to make excuses. If you don't give a shit about racism because as a white person you benefit from it, then just say that. I can understand that, it makes logical sense. But don't act like you care (like some of my white liberal friends,) and then fail to do anything when your feet are to the fire.

That's all for now. As always, I welcome your comments.