Cry me a river...

I said in my last post that I would explain why/how I went from writing a post about how I understand that it's hard to speak out about -isms to actually speaking out about one.

One thing that I know about myself is that annoyed is a feeling I feel fairly regularly. We could try to analyze the reasons behind this fact, but for now let's just say that lots of different things annoy me.

One thing that really annoys me is when white people tell me stories about how they have recently witnessed something racist happen. Okay, just telling me the story isn't annoying. Telling the story in a "Can you believe that ignoramous said that ?!?" way followed up with the revelation that the white person telling me the story just sat there and didn't say anything. Said white person might classify their reaction as stunned silence.

I want to turn to this person and say, " White person, I can believe that you heard so-and-so say that. You know why?

Because so-and-so has probably gone through his/her whole life saying these racist/racish things, and has had these comments met with laughter or silence. So and so doesn't even know you well enough to know you'd be offended; so obviously this kind of stuff comes out of so-and-so's mouth pretty easily. And everytime so-and-so says one of these comments and isn't called out on it, so-and-so gets the message reinforced that saying those things is ok. "

When I hear a white person tell a story like this, there are two things that bum me out. The first one is hearing the story. It's always sad to be reminded of the fact that racism still exists. The second one is knowing that there was a person who knew that something wrong was happening, but didn't speak up. A person who (since they are not black,) can't have their comments immediately dismissed as being oversensitive/having a chip on his/her shoulder/etc.

So, knowing how much stories like this irritate me when they involve people of color, I knew I couldn't in good conscience come to my blog and write about how I had the opportunity to talk to someone about homophobic remarks and didn't take it.

Now, I am not saying that you must speak out each and every time you hear someone say something disrespectful/hateful/ignorant about a member of some marginalized group. I don't choose to take the time/energy to do that and I can see why you wouldn't either. But hey if you want to...knock yourself out.

But what I don't want is for you to come and talk to me about it, oblivious to the very important role you played in the exchange. If you want to talk to me about it like, "I heard this, and I know I should have said something--but I didn't. What can I do differently next time something like this happens?" I can work with that. Or if you want to just keep your story to yourself as you struggle internally with why you didn't do something--I can work with that too.


Maybe now you're thinking, "myblackfriend, you're not being very compassionate/understanding right now. You weren't this mean to Ken --Why are you being so hard on me? I'm one of the good ones!?!!

I just want to interject and say that I am cracking myself up over here.

It's true...if you are a white person and taking the time to read this blog, you probably have a level of race awareness that most white people in the United States do not have. But I think that it is important to realize that you probably have just enough information to be dangerous--remember John Mayer? It is precisely because you are more up on things than the average white person that I am being less forgiving.

It's like gymnastics: When you are a little two or three-year-old and you take a gymnastics class, everyone cheers and applauds for every little move that you do.

Somersault? Whoo hoo!!
Barely marginal cartwheel? Here's your trophy!

That's kind of what Ken is like. Ken is still learning the "don't post slurs on the internet" lesson of awareness. So any movement past that is to be celebrated.

But you...you're advanced. You're like "Hey I like gymnastics, and I think I'm pretty good at it--I'm going to keep taking lessons." So you hire me, your mean old Romanian coach. And it seems like all I do is criticize you. You even break your ankle twice and have to miss your Prom!

You start to wonder, "Is this really worth it?" But when you start boo-hooing to me about it I say, "You don't like it? Get out of my gym!"

That's just my way of figuring out how badly you want it. I don't really want you to go, because I know you've got potential. But if you don't want to work-- Hey, I'm not going to beg you to stay.

That's pretty much what it's like with this blog. This is my space to say what I think/feel. If it is too much for you, then don't read it. If I start censoring myself here...only bad things will happen. Work around these issues is hard; and it is probably going to be hard for as long as you and I are alive. It is only the people who are willing to do the hard work, to ask themselves the tough questions, and to make the tough decisions that are going be the ones moving us towards positive change. Everyone else will just be sitting on the sidelines.

Comments? Leave them below.

An Open Letter to John Mayer.

Dear John-

I remember folding t-shirts at Eddie Bauer in my post-college days and hearing No Such Thing over the sound system. I liked it so much that I checked the Musak playlist to find out what the song was called, and went out the next day and bought your first major label release. Being only a year younger than you, I could relate to your songs about quarter-life crises, and wondering when your true love was going to come along. I bought a couple more of your albums, I saw you perform live, and in a random moment of post 9-11 angst, may have even referred to you as the "voice of our generation."

So here we are...almost 10 years later. I'm happily married; planning on starting a family soon. You're still writing the same songs about how depressing being single is. You're also dating chicks and dumping them after they take you to the Oscars, and dating other chicks and blabbing to national publications how "crazy" the sex was. I wonder why you can't find a long-term, meaningful relationship.

One of my favorite songs on your first album was Your Body is a Wonderland . But as much as I loved this song,there was always one line that bothered me:

"one mile to every inch of your skin like porcelain"

I thought, "What does he mean 'like porcelain'? Smooth and cold? Or white?"

Now that you've revealed that your penis is a "white supremacist" it's probably safe to say it's the latter.

Now, I understand that people have their personal preferences when it comes to dating, but really, John? I have never been a big fan of people excluding entire groups of people based on skin color. There are smokin' hot, interesting people of all races. (Yes, I do have a bias against non-smokin' hot, uninteresting people--maybe I'll examine that more at another time.)

I also want to share one piece of advice I think will be really helpful to you and any other white people that think "black people love [them]." Actually, to any white person that thinks one black person might even kind of like them.

The fastest way to lose your "n***r pass" (as you so lovingly referred to it,) is to even entertain the idea, much less proclaim to others that you have earned such a pass. It's like the first rule of Fight Club.

Thinking that you are down and as a result, have earned the right to do or say certain things that might be perceived as racist if other white people did them is just a sign of the arrogance and sense of entitlement that is so freakin' exasperating and exhausting to deal with. There are no other white people. Those people are you.

My hope is that you won't come away from this whole thing thinking, " I should have just kept my mouth shut." I really want you to examine what caused you to say the things that you did. Not just "wanting to be clever"--that was only part of it.

What makes it okay to reveal private details about someone you've had an intimate relationship with? Where did you learn your "aversion" to black women? What made you think it would be okay to use the "n-word"? You used a gay slur in that same Playboy interview, why do you think that hasn't been getting as much media attention?

Most importantly: How are you going to change and grow as a person because of this experience?

I was saddened and angered by the comments that you made. My relationship with you and your music has been permanently changed. At the same time, I understand that people make mistakes and that you've said that you're sorry. I just hope that you are willing to do the work necessary to truly understand what you are apologizing for.

Sincerely-
yourblackfriend

The elephant in the room...

I think the issue of racism is a lot like that story about the five blindfolded people and the elephant. Each person can't see and they are taken to an elephant and put their hands on it and then try to describe what an elephant is like.

One guy's got the tusk: He says, "Elephants are smooth and cold and kind of pointy at the end."
One guy's got the ear: He says, "No elephants are flat and wide and they flap around a lot."
One guy's got the leg: He says, "No no no, you're both wrong--elephants are sturdy and thick like a tree trunk."

and so on.

The same thing is true when it comes to issues of race relations. Most people who have something to say about this issue are coming from a place of truth, but they're not recognizing that the people that don't agree with them oftentimes have valid points as well. It is an acknowledgment of all of the viewpoints that allows us to create a complete picture of what is really going on. Most of the dialogue I hear about race, the opposing sides aren't even discussing the same things! How can we make progress if we're having separate conversations? We can't.

In my experience when trying to have discussions about these sensitive issues, two major things tend to happen.

white people just get overwhelmed by guilt and feelings of helplessness.
people of color people get overwhelmed by anger and rage.

Both sides get defensive, and conversation breaks down.

When is the last time you heard of someone who was overwhelmed or defensive doing anything productive, getting anything accomplished?

I feel like this is one of those issues where if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.

The status quo is not good enough for me--I know we can do better.

You know the drill--comments, yo.

What happens to a dream deferred?

So, I was watching this new show on the Investigation Discovery channel called Gang Nation. This guy named Ross goes all around the world interviewing and hanging out with different gangs. I have always been fascinated by Nazis, so when I saw that there was going to be an episode on neo-Nazis in Russia--I fired up my tivo and eventually got to watching.

I want to clarify my "fascinated by Nazis" comment, because I know that it might sound a little weird. What I mean is that it is mind-boggling to me that in the last century, there existed this group that was able to murder millions of people with the implicit support of millions of others who stood by and did nothing. How does an organization like this run? How does it get popular? How does it remain popular? It's these types of questions that I ask myself, and so I consume information about the Nazis in order to try and formulate some answers.

So back to the T.V. show: Ross goes to Russia and meets with these Neo-Nazis. In order to gain entrée into their group they set him on fire, and make him have a duel with a gang member with a bb-type gun that just happens to be not loaded.

Nice.

So once he has passed these tests, he starts hanging out with them and talking with them, getting to know them better. Russia has apparently had a recent surge in neo-Nazi activities. And (not surprisingly,) they've had a surge in hate crimes too.

From what I gathered from the program, the neo-Nazis are pissed off about all the "black" immigrants that are coming over and taking all the jobs and threatening their Russian way of life with their Muslism-ness.

There were four important takeaways that I had after watching this program:

1.) That someone that looks like this:



could be considered a black person. The skinheads call the immigrants from Azerbaijan, Uzbekistan and other areas "black" because they are not from Russia. This to me is an example of how dumb these arbitrary labels can be at times.

2.) One of the main problems that the skinheads seemed to have was that these immigrants were taking jobs away from them. Oh, that classic white supremacist line: "They're takin' our jobs!"

Sigh.

What is keeping these Nazis from directing their anger and hatred at their fellow white Russians? The white Russians that are the business owners and industry leaders, that are happily hiring these immigrants for these low-wage, marginally skilled jobs? What is the benefit for these business owners to have this steady supply of cheap labor? Hmmm...what could it be? I wonder...

3.) Near the end of the show, Ross said something that took me by surprise. It was something like, "This is the most disgusting group of people I've ever had to hang out with." That isn't an exact quote, but that was the gist of it. I thought this was a pretty unexpected thing for him to say. Here's why: they had extended some level of hospitality to him, and they did give him a fair amount of access to their group. Also, I'm guessing that he is putting himself out there as at least a quasi-journalist, and I always thought journalists were supposed to be objective (Is there even such a thing as being objective? I don't think so--but that's a topic for another post.) So then that got me wondering, "What made him say that?"

And then I remembered that there was a part of the show where Ross interviewed the family of one of these hate crime victims. They talked in detail about how their son was murdered, and how they just came to Russia because they wanted a better life, but because of what happened they were thinking of moving back to their home country. It was really quite sad. The dad talked about how the skinheads were cowards because:

a. they attacked his son from behind.
b. there were several of them, and his son was only one person.
c. they had weapons, and his son was unarmed.

Yup, those all sound like pretty d!ck moves to me. I'd be interested to hear how skinheads justify this dishonorable behavior. Even if they think they're fighting in some kind of war, there are these things called rules of engagement that soldiers with ethics and morals play by. So, I think this is at least part of the reason that Ross was so unimpressed with these guys and gals (yeah, there were a couple gals too--yikes.)

And, my final takeaway

4.) I can't help but wonder, what is causing this rise in Neo-Nazi activity in Russia? Near the end of the program they said that Russia was believed to have the highest concentration of neo-Nazis in the world.

My theory is that Russia is in some ways very similar to how Germany was at the end of World War I. They used to be this feared superpower and now...they're not. I was watching another show about this Russian juggler who had immigrated to the United States, and even though his parents still lived there, he never went back to visit. His explanation was that he wasn't interested in going back because everyone in Russia was, "drunk and angry."

Now, I'm not saying that's true of everyone that lives there, but I am saying how I can see how people would be extremely upset if their whole system of government collapsed, a few oligarchs took control of the immense wealth that was suddenly up for grabs, the vast majority of the citizens were left with the scraps, and the standing of the country in the world changed drastically for the worse in a short period of time.

I can see how that might piss people off. My assertion is that the anger is being completely misdirected to the wrong people. So if any skinheads are reading this, I would encourage you to think critically about what's really going on and who's really responsible for what you're going through. Oh, and when you figure it out--please don't jump them from behind in the middle of the night three-on-one and bash them in the head with steel-toed boots--because that's just not cool, ok?

As always, I welcome your comments.

Would a rose by any other name...

Have you ever wondered why I use the words and phrases that I do? Why I say, "people of color" instead of "minority?" "Black" instead of "African-American?" Why I say "marginalized groups" and don't say "non-white?" I thought you might, so let me explain...

I don't say minority, because globally people of color are not a minority. If current trends continue in the U.S., they won't be a minority here much longer either. I also don't like the word minority because to me it connotes a lack of power, and reinforces the idea that people of color are in a one-down position to white people.

I say people of color, because currently it doesn't have any negative connotations and it is easier than saying, "black, brown, asian, latino, middle eastern and native american." Try typing that three times fast. I say "currently doesn't have any negative connotations" because it seems like what happens when we talk about these labels is that something will become the accepted thing to say, only to become unacceptable to say a few years later, or vice versa. For example, did you know at one time it was considered rude to call black people black? Like, really insulting. I didn't know that until a few months ago.

I only say African-American when I am writing a paper and don't want to get too repetitive. I don't know any black person that calls themselves African-American. I don't know that many black people, but I bet you would find similar results if you did a study. My understanding of how African-American came about was to have a term that got rid of some of the negative connotations of black, got people in touch with their African heritage and, made more of an ethnic distinction instead of a racial one. Saying European-American instead of white goes along these same lines.

I have positive connotaions with the word black: "Black is Beautiful" "Say it loud, I'm black and I'm proud!" I'm also aware that the word black has a lot of negative connotations, but I choose to keep using it in an effort to counteract some of those associations.

I'd like to get more in touch with my African heritage. I think it's something I would be more interested in if I could actually trace my bloodline to specific families, instead of just a region of a continent. That has always been one thing I've been envious of white people for, the ability (for some of them,) to trace their geneaology back several generations. I've got some plans to get more in touch with my "African-ness," perhaps I'll write about the results in a future blog post.

Marginalized groups: this is one of my favorites for a couple of reasons. First, it encompasses a number of situations, not just race. Age, sexual orientation, ability level, gender, etc. So it's a very useful term. Second, I like it because it highlights the fact that these groups often exist "on the margins" and a often placed there by the dominant group. It puts some of the responsibilty on the dominant group to actively work to bring these groups away from the margins. I also like it because it encompasses the idea that people can be marginalized in one way (like race) but be dominant in another way (like sexual orientation)

Finally, I don't say non-white because (once again,) this term reinforces the idea that white is the standard, and everything else should be defined in relationship to it. White is not the sun, with all the other groups revolving around it. White is just one of the many planets in the solar system, and we are all revolving around something greater and more powerful than our little spheres of dirt.

So that's it in a nutshell. As always, I welcome your comments.

What're you looking at?

Have you ever noticed that when you're watching stand up comedy, and a white comedian makes a joke about black people or some other group of color--the cameraman almost always puts the camera on a member of that group in the audience?

What's up with that?

Related: Whenever you are about a marginalized group, and there's a member of that group involved in the discussion, do you (in)voluntarily glance over at that person? I do--or at least I used to.

What's up with that?

For me, I would look over at a gay person whenever I was talking about something related to gay people. I wouldn't stare at them the whole time, but I would definitely take a quick glance. And I noticed in classes, that if the discussion was something related to black people, I'd get a look from the speaker as he/she was talking.

So I started thinking about why this happened and came up with two theories:

1) You're looking at the person to make sure they're not getting pissed off. This is what is happening during the comedy, the director is saying, "Look white person, the black person is laughing--so it's okay for you to laugh too."

2) I just thought of this one, so make it three theories: It's like the whole elephant thing: If I say, "Don't think about an elephant!" what do you do? You think about an elephant. So, you're telling yourself "Don't look over there!" But that just makes you want to do it more.

3) I think this is the most disturbing one: You're doing it to say, "Look at me, aren't I so cool for talking about your issue, person from a marginalized group? I'm not even in your group and I'm sticking up for you--what a great ally I am, huh?"

So, I don't do this anymore. I consciously make myself not take that quick glance. Because the things that I am saying are not about that other person. They're about me, the speaker. I also know that I don't like being looked at when black comes up, when I wasn't being looked at before.

I don't want to say the things that I say because I'm trying to curry favor with certain people, I want to say them because they're the things I believe. And so if I'm not actively looking for that positive reinforcement to come my way, it is another way to let myself know that I should do something because it's the right thing to do, not because some group of people might think I'm
"down with the cause" for speaking up.

As always, I welcome your comments.

My pinky's valued over $300,000...

So the topic of today's post is about "talking black" vs. "talking white." Now, I have to be honest and say I know exactly what people mean when they say someone "sounds black." We like to get all indignant when people say stuff like that, like when Prince Harry said something recently to a black comedian. But what exactly are we getting upset about?


I want to take a detour here and share the first time someone decided to call out how I spoke differently. And newsflash: it wasn't a white person, it was some black kids from my grandma's neighborhood. I was about six or seven and visiting my grandmother in Cleveland. My grandmother lived in a predominantly black neighborhood, and I was outside with some of the neighborhood kids. The conversation went something like this:


Them: Are you here visiting your grandmother?
Me: Yes.
Them: Is (insert myblackfriend's mom's name here) your mom?
Me: Yes.
Them: (getting somewhat exapserated) Don't you know how to say, "Yeah?"
Me:


::wait for it::


Me: Yes.


Now, I don't actually remember these kids explicitly saying, "You sound white," but that was certainly the implied message. Because, I didn't use more informal language, something was weird or different about me--and they needed to make me aware of that. Now I know they were just kids, but the fact of the matter is even today in 2009, a black adult can tell another black adult that they sound white, and the "white sounding" black adult is the one that is supposed to feel bad.

Let me shift gears a little bit more. I'm going to link to a video and say that it is NSFW and has what some people might consider offensive language.




[Edited 4/2017: Chris deleted his youtube channel, so here is the same video that someone else reposted. Nothing you post on the internet goes away. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjCCr6w9-wk]


So this guy is clearly white, and he "sounds black." There are lots of other white people in the world who talk like this guy, too. How do we explain this? Maybe because it's not your skin color that determines the way that you speak.


I also want to make it clear that I am not saying one way of talking is inherently better than the other way. Some people might argue that we should all talk the "white way" and those are the same people that think everyone in the world should speak English. That's boring. It might be a little harder to understand someone who speaks differently than you, but that's your opportunity to turn your ears on and work your listening skills. You might also learn some new words. And all people, need to lay off the idea that people who's skin is a certain color need to speak a certain way--because that's just wack.


As always, I welcome your comments.

Peace, Love and Understanding

So I'm reading this book from the Opposing Viewpoints series called Interracial America It's kind of an old book, but I don't know that the arguments would be any different if it had been written today. It's a collection of essays dealing with various aspects of race relations. It's funny because I read one article and agree with it, and then I'll read the next one that is saying the exact opposite and agree with that one too. The book has got me feeling like both sides of this issue need to take some steps toward the middle. You know the Truth and Reconciliation Project in South Africa?
I feel like white people need to accept a lot more truth, and people of color need to be open to a lot more reconciliation.
For hundreds of years, white people were given advantages at the expense of people of color. I'm talking about a direct connection: white people gained precisely because black, brown, red and yellow people lost.
At the same time here in 2008, I think most white people consider themselves basically good, and are disgusted by acts of overt racism that they see today. Most white people are not out to get people of color, and they're not plotting in meetings about how they can keep us down. So...how do we make peace with the past? How to we move forward in a meaningful way? Certainly not by just forgetting about it, because the remnants of the past are still with us today. But also not by just throwing it up in someone's face, so that all that they feel is guilty or defensive or scared. I don't know what the answer is, but you can bet I'm gonna keep thinking about it...

Racism! What is it good for?

Yay! I've started to get some comments and questions, and needless to say I am excited. One question posed to me by my white friend Jeffro is, "Why do you think racism exists in this world?" This is a great question and one that I can only begin to answer here...

Disclaimer: This theory is not meant to explain why things like slavery and the holocaust happened. Those were both pretty messed up, and what follows is inadequate to help us figure out what they were all about. I'm talking about current day racism, whatever that means to you. Also, like any topic, it is possible that someone else has written down some incarnation of these ideas before, but I am not basing these ideas off of any particular previous writings. (i.e. plagarizing) That's just the grad student in me coming out...

Basically, I think racism exists because many people have low self-esteem. When a person doesn't feel good about themselves, they try to make themselves feel better by putting other people down. Like the bully on the playground--often that kid is living in a very chaotic and unloving environment. So how does he deal with his anger and frustration? By taking it out on someone else.

When you can use a derogatory word about someone else, or think that an entire group of people are dumber, lazier or less trustworthy than you--it makes your chest puff up a little. Of course, it is only a temporary puffing up, but it serves its purpose at the time.

Think about it--why would a person who was secure in him or herself worry about what other people are doing, or how lazy they are or aren't? It doesn't happen, because thinking about other people and the many ways that they don't measure up takes time and energy. Besides, people who are secure in themselves, recognize that their worth is not defined in comparison to others, whether they appear to be better or worse off.

So that's my short answer to a very complex question. I'm interested to hear what you think, and I want to send a special thanks to all the people who left me comments yesterday--it made me smile.